Attack on Titan Minus Titans
by John Pascal
Summary: What if there aren't really any titans? How can the events of Shingeki no Kyojin be explained if giant, inhuman monsters aren't trying to eat everyone? Who knows! Follow me as I come up with an explanation! (Alternate Universe, lots of people out of character, this is a parody, yadda yadda)
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note**

The idea behind this work is to make a coherent story out of Attack on Titan if it were set in a world where titans don't exist; to do this, I found it necessary to change the personalities of some of the characters. Think of it like an abridged series where almost everything that happens in the original happens here but for different reasons.

Edit: Only Chapter 1 will be written in this weird script format. Everything from chapter two onward will be written in a more conventional format. I might go back and change this chapter into something more easily readable when I get the chance.

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><p><em> Eren woke up with a fright under the shade of a tree. He was lying in a grassy field sparsely dotted with tall, brightly colored flowers. Sitting up, Eren sees Mikasa close by looking at him, a bundle of sticks packed on her back.<em>

**Mikasa:** Umm… Eren, I found lots of sticks. Is this enough? Can we go home now?

**Eren:** It'd better be. I already gave you a huge head start with all sticks I picked up.

**Mikasa:** I know... but I wish you picked up more than just five…

**Eren: **That was like twice as much as last time! Really, Mikasa, you complain way too much. Oh man, it's almost sundown; it'll have to do. Here, I'll carry a third of the sticks and you can take the rest for me so that we can go home faster.

**Mikasa:** I…I guess it wouldn't be too much trouble for me to do that.

_ Eren and Mikasa head back to their home city of Zhiganshina from the grassy field outside of the city's magnificent, stone walls. Once at the guardhouse leading to the inside of Zhiganshina, Eren and Mikasa are greeted by a man with short, blond hair: Hannes. He approaches the duo in full military garb, the stench of alcohol on his breath. With his hands on his hips he looks down at the children and questions them._

**Hannes: **Oi, mate, what ya think ya doin' 'ere? Buncha midgets tryn'a enta' a ci'i?

**Eren:** Hannes, it's us, Eren and Mikasa. We live here, remember?

**Hannes: **Shut it ya knobhead. I don't want no bloody midgets comin' in'a moi ci'i. 'Specially none dressed like 'at.

_ Hannes turns to see Mikasa behind Eren who is desperately trying not to make eye contact with either of them. To his credit, the only thing between Eren and Mikasa that could be considered mildly stylish was Mikasa's muffler._

**Hannes:** What the bloody 'ell you two playin' at ya bender?

**Eren:** Uhh… are you drunk? Shouldn't you be getting ready for the Veteran's Day Parade?

**Hannes:** Whot? Vet'ran's day? Oh 'at's today?

_ Upon hearing Hannes say that three other slurred voices are heard laughing out of sight. Hugo, another guard, walks out from behind Hannes to meet the children. Hugo stands taller than Hannes but has noticeably more weight on his body, he differs further with his brown, combed back hair. Unfortunately for Eren and Mikasa, Hugo is just as, if not more drunk than Hannes._

**Hugo:** Listen, kid, we're not going to the parade. Just go on through and forget about Hannes.

**Eren: **Well, works for me, c'mon Mikasa.

_ Eren and Mikasa, walk towards the main street, hoping to get a good view of the parade. However, the stop at the guardhouse caused the two of them such a delay that while on their way to the street they hear bells ringing. The parade is starting already! _

**Eren:** The parade! Hurry up, Mikasa, or we we'll miss it!

_ Eren eagerly grabs Mikasa's arm and tugs her along to a packed sidewalk running through the center of the city. Seeing no open spot to watch, the children stand on some boxes behind the crowd. A column of men clad in brown jackets, white pants, and green cloaks march down the road alongside their horses. Nearly all of them have scars to show for their service and many are still wearing casts and bandages. One man is in such a state that he has to lie down in the parade float in order to partake, his patriotism evident through his participation. The crowd observes quietly but respectfully, murmuring words of encouragement. Leading the parade is the most senior officer of the veterans. He looks worn but whole, his sunken eyes contrasting with his full head of hair. The parade goes as planned until halfway down the street a woman forces her way through the crowd right into the path of the veterans. She is absolutely hysterical, demanding to know where her son is._

**Woman: **Moses! Moses! Where's my son, Moses? He hasn't come home yet!

**C.O.:** I'm sorry ma'am, but this is the Veteran's Day Parade. I'm going to have to ask you to get out of the street.

**Woman: **What? Where's my son? He said he'd be back soon!

**C.O.:** Ma'am, the war ended over three years ago. If you're son's not back yet then I wouldn't hold my breath.

**Woman:** W-what? Are you saying that he's…?

**C.O.: **Yeah, he's probably dead. Can you get off the street now?

_ A distressed expression washes over the woman's face. After a brief moment of contemplation she erupts into tears. Bored by the interruption, Eren and Mikasa make their way home while_ _the parade continues down the road. Walking up the stone steps to Eren's house, the duo enters the small, two story building overlooking the residential areas of the city. Having the city's best doctor for a father certainly did have its perks. Inside, Eren's mother, Carla, is washing dishes while Grisha, his father, sits at the table penning a document. Upon entering, Eren stores the sticks he gathered into a box and then sits down at the table to eat._

**Mikasa:** Umm… I think Eren said your outfits are a crime against fashion.

**Eren:** Mikasa, what'd you say that for?!

_Carla drops the dishes she's washing to talk her son about his fashion sense._

**Carla:** Eren, why would you say something like that? Do you want the fashion police to take us away from you?!

**Eren: **What? No! It's just that… you know, they don't really look that great… today. And the fashion police aren't so bad, you know.

**Carla:** Don't tell me that you're thinking of signing up with them. Don't you remember what they did to your friend Armin's parents?!

_ Grisha turns to Eren with a stern look cast upon his face._

**Grisha:** Eren, I know that you're a growing boy with big dreams but you don't need to be so rude about how other people dress. I'm about to leave the house so you can discuss this with your mother while I'm gone.

**Eren:** Wait, you're leaving again? But dad, it's only been a week since you came back from your last trip!

**Grisha:** I really don't have time for this. Be back in a few days.

**Carla:** You could at least give an opinion on the matter Gurisha. I'm breaking my back here raising the kids by myself.

_Grisha heads for the door, leaving behind a stunned Carla and a rather confused Eren and Mikasa. Before he walks through the door he looks back at his family and says:_

**Grisha: **Oh and don't forget to keep the door unlocked while I'm gone. I have the only key to the house after all.

_Grisha reaches into his coat and pulls out an ornate key on his necklace. As he leaves, the rest of the household follows him out the steps to see him off. Eren waves his father goodbye while Carla and Mikasa stay by the door._

**Eren:** Your frilly cuffs look hideous!

_Eren says this while his father leaves._

**Carla: **Eren! What did we just talk about? Maybe you should let Armin remind you what happened to his parents.

**Eren:** There's nothing wrong with telling people how to dress mom! And I'm going to go see Armin, but not because you told me to. I'm going for me!

_Eren bolts for the alley across from his house to go find Armin. Carla, unable to stop her son, looks to Mikasa for assistance._

**Carla: **Ugh, I can barely feel my legs after doing all those dishes, I don't think I can chase after him. Mikasa, make sure that he stays far away from the thrift shop. I don't want him getting any more unsettled.

**Mikasa:** Umm… okay.

_Armin, a fragile looking boy with neck length blond hair, is thrown against a wall by a gang of bullies. Armin had asked them to critique his most recent comedy fan fiction and they were none too pleased with his work. Disgusted by his lack of humor, the bullies have decided to beat a better sense of humor into him._

**Bully:** That fan fiction was terrible; the jokes were poorly connected to the plot and most of the humor was centered on bad puns. But you know what, if you can make us laugh right now, we won't beat you up today. Tell us a joke!

**Armin:** Alright, alright. Umm… Why does Marco have so many hobbies? Because his interests are so split!

**Bully: **A spoiler and a Marco joke? Unacceptable. Here, I'll give you a better punchline.

_The leader of the bullies begins punching Armin but before long they hear Eren and Mikasa charging toward them. The terrified bullies flee before they can finish their critique, leaving Armin with his two only friends._

**Armin:** Thanks Eren. I almost had to be accountable for the work I produce and the reactions it generates.

_The three of them, having moved to the nearby river flowing through the city, sat down by the water's edge to talk about their day._

**Armin:** And then I said, because it's the year of the horse! Get it? Cause, he has a long face?

**Eren:** Armin, have you ever thought about just staying away from comedy?

**Armin:** But… but, I really wanna do this and I think if people would give me chance they'd like what happens next.

**Eren:** If you really wanna do it maybe you could just take more time to come up with good jokes. Anyway, me and Mikasa gathered sticks, and watched the parade.

**Mikasa:** Umm… actually, I think I found a lot of the sticks, if you don't mind me saying that.

**Eren:** And then big mouth over here told my parents that I wanna join the fashion police.

**Armin:** The fashion police? But don't you remember what they did to my parents? Why do you wanna be with those guys?

**Eren:** I don't know, I guess I'm just tired of wearing really ugly clothes, and seeing other people wear ugly clothes, and seeing ugly things when people aren't wearing clothes. So yeah, those guys were pretty rough over a few bad jokes, huh?

**Armin:** Yeah, but it's not so bad. Sometimes I write stories where really bad things happen to people I don't like. I think I'm going to put those guys in my next one.

_As they discuss their lives and the dark rituals that Armin may or may not be partaking in when nobody is watching, a soft breeze blows past them. Out of the blue, the ground beneath them begins shaking tumultuously. An earthquake! Several buildings collapse and the precariously placed boulders on top of houses come crashing to the ground, crushing several people. Eren hears a rumbling coming from the direction of his house._

**Armin: **No! Why is this happening again? Why does this always happen when I write in the book?

**Eren:** Mom!

_Eren dashes off towards his house with Mikasa only steps behind him. They find the house has collapsed; the boulder on top of the building, once hidden by shingles, sits exposed for everyone to see. In the midst of the rubble is Carla. With half of her body buried underneath the remains of the house, only her torso is visible._

**Eren: **Mom! Let's get you out of here! C'mon Mikasa, pull!

_Eren begins tugging at a wooden beam and motions for Mikasa to do the same._

**Mikasa:** B-but… it's not… a stick.

**Eren:** Mikasa, pull harder!

_Eren ponders the problem they face and thinks to himself, "This is almost as bad as that time with Mikasa." Thinking back to earlier in the day when he woke up underneath a tree, Eren recalled what had happened after he awoke._

**Mikasa:** I hope you enjoyed your nap Eren because these sticks won't pick themselves up.

**Eren:** Hey Mikasa, why can't we work together to pick up all these sticks?

**Mikasa:** Okay, I'll pick up these five, but that's it.

**Eren: **I'm sorry to inconvenience you, Mikasa, but I ask so little and I really need your help!

**Mikasa:** I'm too slow and weak. Here, you carry all the sticks while I stand around doing nothing!

_Returning to the situation at hand, Eren thinks to himself, "And now mom is going to die because of this huge stick! And it's Mikasa's fault!" The ground shook more and more as the two ten-year old children tried to lift up a wooden beam meant to support a roof and a boulder on top of it. From behind them swings out Hannes. _

**Carla: **Hannes, thank you so much for coming here to rescue my children. Please, take them somewhere safe!

**Hannes:** Not so fast! Unda'cova' fashion police! Your entire family's wardrobe is atrocious. I'm taking your kids into protective custody 'til you learn how 'a dress like a decent human being.

**Carla:** What?

**Hannes:** You 'eard me, nobody wears 'ouses on their legs anymore Missus Jaeger. Maybe if ya learned to keep up with the times I wouldn't 'ave to do this.

_Hannes tucks Mikasa under one arm and places Eren above his shoulder and heads towards the city limits where a barge is waiting for them. Carla cries out in pain as her children are placed into protective custody. Eren echoes his mother's feelings and reaches out to see her one last time._

**Eren:** Moooom!

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><p><strong>Reviews and feedback are very much appreciated! <strong>

**If you can, please tell me which jokes worked for you and which didn't. **


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note**

Chapter two! My first original-ish fanfic not written in a script format! On to the story! I couldn't really think of much to do with this episode (I'm basing each chapter on an episode of the anime, in case you didn't know.) so I'm really excited for chapter/episode three when I can start introducing more characters and continue making more inappropriate Marco jokes.

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><p>Armin and his grandpa sit on a barge docked at one of Shiganshina's piers. Around them are their friends and neighbors from all over the city except for Eren and Mikasa. On the pier stands a mob of refugees trying to evacuate the city as quickly as possible. Far off in the distance Armin can see the smoke rising above the walls of the burning city. Scanning the crowd, Armin finds his friends at the edge of the pier, about to board the ship.<p>

"Oh there's Eren! I haven't seen him since the first chapter." Armin says. Looking more closely, he notices the distraught look in his face and amends, "Whoa, why's Eren looking like that? He looks horrified."

Armin's grandpa takes a glance at them and says, "Poor kid, by the look of things it must've been pretty bad. The formatting must've been awful."

Back at the gate leading out of the city, Hugo is organizing the evacuation on the inside while Hannes goes to the gatehouse.

"Oi mate, why ya' closin' the bloody gate?" Hannes asks to the man ordering the gate be closed.

"What?" The man asks, curtly.

Irritated by his actions, Hannes replies, "Ya thick mate? Why ya' closin' the bluh'y gate?!"

Equally annoyed and slightly confused, the man retorts, "I can't understand your accent."

Infuriated by the man's inability to understand simple questions, Hannes demands, "Whot ya' closin' a bluh'y gate fer? Ya wont me ta lowp ovver t'yat o' sum'in?"

"Oh! Why didn't you just say so?" The man answers, finally understanding Hannes. "I'll raise the gate right away."

Inside the city walls, Hugo has miraculously sobered up and is rallying survivors to the exit. He stands proudly among a row of cannons planted in front of the gate. Suddenly, a bulky, humanoid figure appears from behind the ruins of a building. With straight seams and armor covering its body, there is no doubt as to what it is.

Hugo cries out, "Look out! Somebody's trying to steal the Megazord! Shoot it before they get away!"

Using the cannons that for whatever reason were taken out for use during an earthquake, Hugo and his men fire upon the city's robotic protector but its armor is so thick that it shrugs off all the shots! When it becomes clear that they won't be able to stop it with cannon fire, one of the men shouts to close the gate. Hearing the order, Hannes does his best to convey the message to the man in control of the gate. Sadly, the guards fail to close the gate in time and the thieves make off with the giant robot after slamming through the gate.

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><p>At an office outside the city limits, members of the local government discuss how to respond to the immediate problems created by the earthquake like damaged infrastructure, lack of food and clean water, and victims trapped within the city. As they think over which of these to prioritize, a soldier bursts into the room with urgent news.<p>

Out of breath the man shouts out, "Sirs, I have bad news! In all the excitement a group of five or six stole the city's Megazord!"

The news stuns the legislators. Switching gears, they consider what will come of this.

"How are we supposed to protect the city from mutant animal cosplayers without a giant robot?" One man asks.

"Are those five robot jaguars ready for use yet?" Another man asks.

"Not yet. What'll we do when the next convention rolls around? I don't think the rangers could handle all of that by themselves." The first man responded.

The legislators look at one another, unsure of what the future now holds.

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><p>Back on the boat Eren, Armin, and Mikasa wait on the evacuation.<p>

Armin turns and tries to lighten the mood by telling a joke. "Hey Eren, what's uglier than an aardvark?" After a brief pause, Armin answers his own joke with, "Two aardvarks!"

Eren begins welling up with tears and approaches the edge of the boat where Armin is. "Your comedic timing is awful, Armin." Tears streaming down his face now, Eren continues. "My mom just got her legs crushed, and you're telling a joke?!"

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><p>On the road, Grisha Jaeger is driving a carriage through the woods. Grisha thinks to himself, <em>Oh man, I really need to go. I just have to wait until there's a clearing on the road and—oh no, not now. Oh no it's running down my leg now.<em> Tears start running down his face, just as something else runs down his pants. _Come on! Now they're going to laugh at me when I get there!_

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><p>Waking up from a horrible dream where he transformed into a giant humanoid monster and ate his own father, Eren sees Mikasa looking down at him. This time, instead of being in a field, he's in a warehouse. Mikasa lets him know what's been going on lately.<p>

"Umm… Eren, are you alright? They rang the bell so umm… I'm getting hungry." Mikasa lets Eren know.

"Well at least you're still house trained. Come on, let's go." Eren replies.

"This was once a food storehouse." Mikasa remarks as they leave the room.

"Yeah, Mikasa I know." Eren's annoyance shows through his voice. "I've been living here with you this whole time."

Mikasa continues, "They're keeping refugees who fled by ship here."

"There's really no need for the exposition Mikasa, even if I hadn't been living in these same conditions since we got here I'm pretty sure I could figure it out." Eren rolls his eyes.

Once outside, the duo sees all the other refugees who fled from what the government called the great Shiganshina earthquake. Many of them were still crying about what had happened and others were busy fighting over food. Armin slips through the crowd and sees Eren and Mikasa, bread in hand.

"Eren, Mikasa!" The small boy cries out. "I got the last three mini-baguettes! This weird looking old man in a straw hat gave them to me."

Taking the bread that Eren gave her, Mikasa thanks him. Eren watches with jealousy at Mikasa getting the first bite. He receives his piece right after that.

"Hey, why are they giving us mini-baguettes anyway? I thought refugees were supposed to get the cheap stuff." Eren asks.

"That's…. that's a pretty good question Eren. No wonder the guards are so pissed off." Armin replies.

Nearby two men in uniforms are complaining about their lack of food. Shocked at their horrible living conditions, Eren walks over, determined to give them what they deserve.

"I can't believe they're not feedin' us." One of the men says.

"Want some of my bread?" Asks Eren. "I'm willing to split it."

"What?!" The man asks, infuriated. "Do I look like a charity case or somethin'? I don't need yer handouts!" In retaliation for Eren's brazen offer the two guards hit him. Thrown on the ground from the force of the attacks, Eren takes back his offer.

Shortly after that, Eren, Armin, and Mikasa are brooding over the guards' reaction. Eren sits on a stone ledge while Armin and Mikasa stand in front of him.

Armin looks upon Eren and tries to cheer him up with a joke. "Hey Eren, I know a joke that'll cheer you up." Eren grumbles his displeasure but Armin continues on. "What does Marco take with his coffee? Half and half!"

"Boo!" Eren jeers, throwing the piece of bread at Armin. "That was terrible! Am I right Mikasa? Bro fist me if I'm right."

Mikasa's arm flies toward Eren and slams into his face, knocking him to the floor yet again.

"Ha! Knew I was right." Eren mumbles in pain. "Mikasa, lemme have some of your bread. I think the five second rule passed on mine already."

Mikasa stuffs the bread in Eren's mouth. Eren was pretty accustomed to this as he used to have Mikasa feed him her food all the time but Armin, not understanding the situation, stood shocked.

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><p>Several days later, refugees were sent in droves to till the wastelands to bring in more food. But even still, there wasn't enough. And the following year, in 846, the central government used many refugees in an operation to rebuild the ruined city of Shiganshina after not doing anything about it for a year. However, Armin came up with the brilliant plan to eat the older refugees instead of doing that other stupid thing that the government suggested. Two hundred fifty thousand in all, approximately twenty percent of the population. Only just over a hundred were pardoned. Their sacrifice alleviated the food shortage for the rest of us and the overcrowding as well.<p>

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><p>Armin sits crying, holding his grandfather's hat in his hands. Eren sits down next to him while Mikasa stands out in the cold because she neither needs nor deserves warmth and comfort.<p>

"Don't feel too bad Armin. He tasted really good." Eren said, trying to comfort the boy. "Or I think he did anyway, I was just really hungry."

Looking down Armin retorts, "It was my plan. I should've never said anything. They were going to rebuild our home city, and now we ate them."

"Armin, at least we're not hungry anymore. Err.. well we might be now that we ate all the rest of them."

Sniffling, Armin suggests, "If we want more food, we might want to join the military. I'm sure that soldiers get really well fed."

Having forgot about what they experienced a year ago, Eren declares, "Let's do it! We'll join the military! Mikasa, you're joining too."

"Oh- Okay." She responds, weakly.

Standing up, Eren declares, "It's settled then! We're all going to enlist when we're old enough."

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><p>An unspecified period of time later, Eren, Armin, and Mikasa stand in formation at a boot camp in front of their drill sergeant.<p>

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><p><strong>I hope you enjoyed chapter two! <strong>

**I'd love it if you gave me some feedback too!**

P.S. I don't actually hate Mikasa so try not to take my characterization of her or my jokes about her too seriously.


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